Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Toxic People part 1 - The Sellotape Girl (or boy)

photo by JMJast

'How is your new girlfriend?'
He cringed. The subsequent 'Aaaarhg riiiight' made me think he didn't really want to talk about it.
'You've even stopped coming to the club. No time for old mates and pool,' his friend carried on.
'Been busy,' he mumbled looking nervously in the window.
'Busy-busy,' the friend gave a sharp laugh. Nudge-nudge, wink-wink. 'Busy snuggling in the park, hey? I know. I saw you the other day. Holding hands and things. She was all over you, mate!'
'Yeah, she is a bit over the top.'
'She's quite dishy though.'
He sighed.
'I can't play pool in the club 'coz she's joined it. Get it?' His voice grew a little stronger. 'She's got no clue about pool and thinks it's boring but joined the club to spend more time with me. She's changed her uni timetable to go to the same classes. She likes whatever I like. She wants to be friends with all my friends. I've got nowhere to hide!'
'Oh, s..!'

He got off at the next stop. She was waiting for him. Slim, pretty, gaping at him with her mouth open. She tried to grab his hand but he hunched and he put his hands in his pockets.
She was all over him before the bus left the stop.

I don't know that guy, but he reminded me of a teddy bear wrapped with sellotape. And his lovely girlfriend seemed like a perfect example of a Sellotape Girl.

The Sellotape Girl (or Boy)
wants to be liked and loved so much they don't care about the price. They are nice, sickly nice, they always say 'yes'. They listen to you, they agree with you. They take up your hobbies, your political views, your friends, your breathing space. They want to be with you for the rest of their lives. They want to hold hands, do everything together - even go to the toilet. They wait for you. They give up their hopes and dreams (if they have any left as they have always given up their own things for other people) to live your hopes and dreams. They always laugh at your jokes, even the really bad ones.

They are organically unable to make decisions, take sides or argue. They are unable to exist without other people - they've never lived alone. They're terrified of being alone.
Their biggest fear and the drive of their all actions is the fear of being abandoned, so they do everything to avoid it, to keep you close. They need constant reassurance that you like/love/accept them. They want unconditionnal, neverending love. Their needs are so huge no one can possible meet them. They are like a bucket with a hole - however much you pour into it it never fills up.

Inevitably, they get abandoned. No-one mature and sane enough can stand this level of closeness and neediness for this long.

Sellotape People wrap around you so tight you can't to breathe. They have no spine and are transparent. They stick so close, peeling them off can be painful.
They are like sellotape.

What may attract you to them?Their affection, attention and dedication to you. For some people it maybe alos the illusion that you are The One Who Can bring them love and attention they need and deserve.

Don't confuse it with?
Many relationships start with the need for closeness, intimacy and sharing, holding hands and wearing the same clothes. This is normal in the first stage of love called The Enchantment.
The same is also true in close friendship (minus physical intimacy).

Why are they toxic?They wrap around you like ivy (or sellotape) and will take anything and everything you give them. They are extremely needy but also like buckets with a hole. Their needs are so immense, they can never be 'filled up'.
What they need is everlasting, unconditional love only mother can give them, with the closeness of 'two people being one' intensity possible only in prenatal and newborn stages. You can't give it to them, can you?

When should your alarm bells ring?When you realise you're feel stifled, constraint, can't be yourself, or can't fill that void they want you to to fill.
Or when you feel you want to dump them.

Do you recognise this type? What made you think this person was/is toxic for you?
What would you advise to people in a similar situation?

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