Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Toxic People part 2 - The Gloomy Loser

photo by Simon Howden

'This is not going to work, I've tried three times. I don't think we'll ever be able to launch this. It's a good idea, but people don't understand it, and they won't listen because I'm in it. I can talk to the manager but he never listens to me. I think he doesn't like me. It's all because that accident I had last year - I had to take time off work and he's been on my case ever since. What can I do about the fact that I have a bad back? I can't sit at the desk all day, some days I can't even get up in the morning. You know me, you know I don't slack, but people don't care if you feeling well or not. It's all about how much money you can bring us. Nobody cares about little people on 5th floor. We're just numbers.'
I know what you're going to say- it doesn't make any sense, but it does. Because ...'

It may not make much sense, but do you recognise the pattern? The doom and gloom, the victim and the bottle-half-empty?

I've had a friend like that once. At that time I thought the world was not fair to her - she'd had a really terrible childhood and in her adult life she struggled to find friends. We were both students, working as volunteers with young people. I was young, optimistic, full of energy and positive feelings for the world.
It didn't last long though - neither the positive feelings for the world not the friendship. She sucked my optimism and faith in good will out of me. The more I tried to prove the world was a nice place, full of good people, the more she was trying to prove me wrong.
I went back home drained of energy and hope... And only when I left her overwhelming gloomy presence I was able to see it was her influence.

The Gloomy Loser loses out on joy, happiness and life - everything what is positive. What does she/he gain? The 1st Prize in The Most Miserable Person in the World.
I'm not joking. Many of GL actually do enjoy (if I use this word) and are pride of the doom and gloom.

What are the signs of a Gloomy Loser?
Apart from doom and gloom, it's masochism, sabotage and self-sabotage, pessimism, scepticism, worry, anxiety, apathy, hypersensitivity, self-destruction. They are unhappy and blame their childhood, life, weather, other people for that. They drain your energy, trash your advice (their favourite games are 'Why don't you - yes, but...' and 'Kick me'), suck the life out of you like out of you like Dementors.

What may attract you to them?Your own good heart, good will to help people and maybe even your urge to be a rescuer... Perhaps, like me, you think you may be able to share your energy, luck, optimism with someone less fortunate.
When faced with a Gloomy Looser don't do it. Their glass will always be half-empty.

Why are they toxic?Not only they suck life out of you, but also hope. Their doom, gloom and bad luck spread onto other people. If you're not careful, you may find yourself in my position - losing your faith in good people, feeling hard done-by, and believing that whatever you do will never make any difference.
Hopeless, isn't it?

When should your alarm bells ring?When after talking to them you feel exhausted, negative, hopeless or even depressed.

What are your ways of dealing with Gloomy Losers?


  1. OMG this sounds a bit like me :-s #worriedface. I mean seriously I find myself moaning about the tiniest thing like Youngling won't let me go anywhere by myself not even to the lav! But his Daddy Doo, is soooo much worse than me! He actually make ME feel down in the dumps! I think this post is a great wake up call :-) thanks xx

  2. Well done Kate on being able to recognise the situation (and particularly yourself - it takes a lot of courage to be able to say: Hey, it's me!). It must be hard to live with someone who makes you feel down in the dumps :/

    As for the moaning about Youngling following you to the lav - I can relate to that. I remember myself from that stage and I'm glad my Toddler is independent enough to play by herself for 10-15 minutes, so I can sneak to the loo.

    Sounds like you're doing a great job keeping your spirits up :)