How to recognise toxic people (introduction)

Tweet

'I'm depressed again,' C would say slumping into an armchair. 'My energy is at zero. I've been sick. I can't eat. I feel like the life have been sucked out of me.'
'Have you seen your sister lately?' I would ask.
'Yes. We had a family do last Saturday.'

It would take C a couple of weeks to recover and she would function fairly well until the next meeting with her sister. C's sister was a 'professional critic'- ready to find a flaw in anyone and anything, and particularly C. She was very outspoken when it came to finding someone to blame for anything not up to her standards. She drained life and light out of C, but C was unable to defend herself, nor avoid her sister.

'My mum always told me that we had to stick together, because we only have each other in this world.'
It took C many months of therapy to be able to let her mother's death-bed message go and just take care of herself.


This is just one of many examples of toxic people. I'm sure you all have know someone who has made you feel the way C felt after the meeting with her sister.

I have met quite a few in person, and heard of many more from friends, colleagues and patients. As a result I had to learn how to recognise and deal with them to preserve my sanity.
I want to share my experience and knowledge with you in this little series of posts.


Here are 13 signs of a toxic person:

1. Talking or even thinking about talking to this person evokes bad emotions in you (anger, frustration, fear, disgust)
2. After talking with her/him you feel sad, stupid, nervous, inadequate, you lose your confidence and your self-esteem suffers.
3. You feel as if this person sucked life or joy out of you.
4. You feel constantly judged and/or unappreciated
5. You feel this person does not respect you, or you find it hard to respect him/her
6. You feel used, emotionally blackmailed, or abused.
7. You have cried, got drunk or ate a lot after talking with this person.
8. You feel relieved after this person is gone and don't want to see her/him any more.
9. You have felt like hitting this person at times.
10. When with this person you don't behave in usual way: you're tense, unpleasant, 'on edge' or stutter
11. You have to chose your words carefully and make sure you don't hurt this person when talking to them.
12. You have headaches, backache, feel sick after a chat with them.
13. You would rather never talk talk to this person again.


Do you recognise any of these signs? Is there any particular type of person who makes you feel this way?
What do you do to cope with the feelings they provoke in you?

These people may (and usually do) have their own 'issues' - reasons why they interact with others the way they do, but this doesn't mean you should put up with their behaviour at your own expense.
If you want to know how to deal with toxic behaviour, come back here. I will be writing about different types of toxic people over the next few week.

Night-night, sleep well

Tweet

Photo by Dynamite Imagery
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

According to the newest study  The Great British Sleep Survey by Mental Health Foundation over 30% of Britons may have insomnia or other sleep difficulties. Unfortunately, their problems with sleep are not limited to tossing and turning in bed or poor concentration the next day.

The rapport also shows that people with sleep problems are 4 times more likely to have relationship problems and 3 times more likely to struggle with low mood.

It is well know lack of sleep can lead to mental health problems, (particularly depression), immune deficiency, and even obesity and Alzheimer's.
In a nutshell: good night sleep is crucial to sanity.

Those who have ever experienced insomnia know how frustrating it is. The longer you toss and turn, the more you realise it's going to be hard to go to sleep. The more you realise, the more anxious you become that you won't have enough rest. So you worry more and try more -  until it's time to get up.
Worse, in the night time seems to slows down, 15 minutes feels like an hour, everything is bigger and blacker. With little to distract us our minds go into the vicious cycle mode and we end up working ourselves up into increasingly depressed states of mind.

Although the survey don't reflect the demographics in Great Britain (e.g. 3 times more women then men took part in the study, while the ratio in the population is around 1:1), more robust studies show that more and more people have sleep problems.

Is there any way of improving your sleep without turning to pills?
Here's my 8 tips for a better sleep:

1. Have a regular bedtime and awakening time. Go to bed every night at the same time. Set your alarm clock for the same hour every day. It is important that your stick to your decision to establish a good sleep pattern.

2. Avoid napping during the day, or if you have to, don't nap for longer than 30-45 minutes. Every nap 'steals' from your precious nighttime sleep.

3. Watch what you eat and drink 4-6 hours before the beddtime. No caffeine, no alcohol, no spicy, heavy food!

4. Exercice regularly during the day, preferably outddors. It's not just the physical exercise that improves your sleep. Being outside, exposed to daylight helps set your biological clock.
Avoid exercise 4 hours before bedtime.

5. Take care of your sleeping environment. Make sure your bed and bedding is comfy, the room is quiet, not too hot or too cold and well aired;

6. Reserve bed for sleep and sex. No reading, no eating, and no TV watching.
Many people say they fall asleep while watching TV. While this may work for some, generally TV is likely to disrupt your sleep, because of violent or disturbing content or constant flickering light.

7. Have a healthy bedtime routine. Children need bedtime routines to 'put them in the mood' for sleep. It's a shame that we as adults forget about the benefits of pre-sleep rituals. They are easy to establish and usually pleasurable: a relaxing bath, light read, light snack, relaxation.

8. Don't take your worries to bed. Probably the most difficult advice to follow (been there, done that). A good bedtime routine may be helpful in putting this in practise



More advice on sleep hygiene from Helpguide.

How to keep your toddler busy for 15 minutes (StaySaneSunday)

Tweet

Anyone who has ever spent more than a couple of minutes with a 2-3 y.o knows how difficult it is to keep toddlers entertained. This becomes a gigantic tasks if you have to do it day by day, and for hours. How hard the job of parents of a toddler can be, only another toddler's parent can know. On the top of that many parents work, and all of them have to do cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping and everything else called life. Been there, done that.


Unfortunately, at this stage many children are still unable to play by themselves for longer than a few minutes.
Most of the time toddlers' parents are happy to play with their children, read them the same books gazillion of times, sing brain-washing songs and smile, but there are times in every parent life when they've had enough.


What to do if all you want is a little peace and quiet and your toddler is clinging to your leg?


How to keep your toddler busy playing on their own for 15 minutes?

1. Make sure that your house or the room your child is in is toddler-proofed.
Think: hot surfaces, small items, sharp object - anything that can be potentially dangerous in your child's hands should be hidden from his/her reach. Never underestimate toddler's creativity and ability to wreak havoc.

2. Rotate your child's toys.
Divide toys and books in a couple of groups (boxes) and rotate them. Put a couple of 'favourites' in each box, but make sure that the Absolutely Favourite Toy is always out and available. If you have friends with a child of similar age, you can try swapping toys with their child.
When you feel like you may 'loose it', get one of the boxes out. Your child will be excited to 're-discover' his/her new toys.

3. Make up and have a 'Rainy Day Box' always ready.
Put a new toy and/or a never-read book, fresh art supplies, a new game, or things like your old mobile phone or makeup bag. Don't overuse it. The instant attraction of the RDB is its specialness.

4. Put them in front of an age appropriate TV programme or put their favourite DVD on.
Research shows that too much TV long term can harm a young child, and the maximum recommended amount of time spent by a toddler in front of a TV should not exceed 2 hours.
This is all true - TV should be watched in a healthy way and it's best when parents can watch the programme with their child, but when you're just about to lose your sanity, 15 minutes of their favourite cartoon may actually do more good than bad to your child, you, and your long-term relationship.

What are your ways of keeping your toddler busy when you need to restore your sanity?


photo by Filomena Scalise courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net