Toxic People part 2 - The Gloomy Loser

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photo by Simon Howden
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'This is not going to work, I've tried three times. I don't think we'll ever be able to launch this. It's a good idea, but people don't understand it, and they won't listen because I'm in it. I can talk to the manager but he never listens to me. I think he doesn't like me. It's all because that accident I had last year - I had to take time off work and he's been on my case ever since. What can I do about the fact that I have a bad back? I can't sit at the desk all day, some days I can't even get up in the morning. You know me, you know I don't slack, but people don't care if you feeling well or not. It's all about how much money you can bring us. Nobody cares about little people on 5th floor. We're just numbers.'

I know what you're going to say- it doesn't make any sense, but it does. Because ...'

It may not make much sense, but do you recognise the pattern? The doom and gloom, the victim and the bottle-half-empty?

I've had a friend like that once. At that time I thought the world was not fair to her - she'd had a really terrible childhood and in her adult life she struggled to find friends. We were both students, working as volunteers with young people. I was young, optimistic, full of energy and positive feelings for the world.
It didn't last long though - neither the positive feelings for the world not the friendship. She sucked my optimism and faith in good will out of me. The more I tried to prove the world was a nice place, full of good people, the more she was trying to prove me wrong.
I went back home drained of energy and hope... And only when I left her overwhelming gloomy presence I was able to see it was her influence.

The Gloomy Loser loses out on joy, happiness and life - everything what is positive. What does she/he gain? The 1st Prize in The Most Miserable Person in the World.
I'm not joking. Many of GL actually do enjoy (if I use this word) and are pride of the doom and gloom.

What are the signs of a Gloomy Loser?
Apart from doom and gloom, it's masochism, sabotage and self-sabotage, pessimism, scepticism, worry, anxiety, apathy, hypersensitivity, self-destruction. They are unhappy and blame their childhood, life, weather, other people for that. They drain your energy, trash your advice (their favourite games are 'Why don't you - yes, but...' and 'Kick me'), suck the life out of you like out of you like Dementors.

What may attract you to them?Your own good heart, good will to help people and maybe even your urge to be a rescuer... Perhaps, like me, you think you may be able to share your energy, luck, optimism with someone less fortunate.
When faced with a Gloomy Looser don't do it. Their glass will always be half-empty.

Why are they toxic?Not only they suck life out of you, but also hope. Their doom, gloom and bad luck spread onto other people. If you're not careful, you may find yourself in my position - losing your faith in good people, feeling hard done-by, and believing that whatever you do will never make any difference.
Hopeless, isn't it?

When should your alarm bells ring?When after talking to them you feel exhausted, negative, hopeless or even depressed.

What are your ways of dealing with Gloomy Losers?

A healthy mind in a healthy body

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6 simple, scientifically proven tips for better mental and physical health

It's such an old adage I'm surprised people still feel they need to prove it right or wrong.
A new paper by Roger Walsh, professor of psychiatry and human behavior from the University of California rewieved available research on the effects of Therapeutic Life Changes (TLC; do not confuse with TLC= Tender Loving Care, although it's not as much different).

TLC are simple changes in everyday life from nutrition, to relationships, recreation and spiritual involvment. They cheap, effective, enjoyable and don't have as many side effects as pills. Moreover - it's you who can make them happen.
You can make your life happier and healthier.
How?

Here are the summary of Prof Welsh's findings:
6 Super-simple sientifically proven tips for better mental and physical health:

1. Exercise outdoors - it will boost your sense of well-being, improve your cognitive performance and reduce the risk of memory loss

2. Eat your fruts and veggies, and fish -  it will help you keep those grey cells top notch, and if you suffer from schizophrenia or an affective disorder (e.g. depression, bipolar affective disorder) it may also reduce the symptoms

3. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you, make up with your ennemies - having good relationships with other people improve your chances of being well physically and mentally

4. Learn to relax and manage stress - you will be able to manage your anxieties, insomnia and panic attacts

5. Meditate - it will help you become  more stable emotionally, enhance your ability to empathise with other people, reduce your stress and increase your brain size (sorry, brain only ;-)!

6. Get involved in a local community or become a volunteer for a charity - altruism and contribution foster joy and generosity and generally boost mental and physical health.

Same old same old? Yes, but now it has been oficially proven by science. Do you need any more evidence?
Don't wait for it.


Go for a walk.

Effective treatment for chronic insomnia

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photo by graur razvan ionut
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Insomnia is a problem which affects milions of people every night (one third of adult population). If you ever had difficulty falling asleep, maintiaing your sleep or early awakaning, you know that insomnia is not only a nighttime problem. Lack of sleep seriously affects ability to function during the day, reduces quality of life, affect physical and mental health.
Here you can read more about types of insomnia and its causes .

Even one sleepless night can be a horrible experience (as an parent, been there, done that), but chronic insomnia is a struggle on several levels. One of the biggest challenges is treatment. Unfortunately, the medication which is currently used (succesfully!) in insomnia creates tolerance and dependence. It means that the longer you take your sleeping pill, the less likely it is to help you sleep, you are more likely to need higher doses, and if you stop taking it you may experience very unpleasant withdrawal symptoms.

Is there any non-drug effective treatment for insomnia then?
Many doctors would use antidepressants or antipsychotics, even if the sufferer doesn't have any of these disorders because these drugs have sedative (soothing, calming) effects. However in many countries these medication are not licenced to treat insomnia. Moreover, as Dr David M. Allen warns in his post, there may be other potential side effects of long term use of antipsychotics for patient without psychotic illness.

If not medication, what then?
You should always start by improving you sleep hygiene.
If your sleep problems are not related to any other physical or mental health problems (chronic primary insomnia) American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends the following non-pharmaceutical approaches:

1. Stimulus control therapy (training, which helps the sufferer re-associate the bed and bedroom with sleep and re-establish sleep-wake cycle)

2. Relaxation (learning different techniques to help you relax your muscles and deal with intrusive thoughts at bedtime)

3. Sleep restriction (this approach suggests that you don't stay in bed when you are not asleep)

4. Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) with or without relaxation (CBT part is focused on helping you change your beliefs and attitudes to insomnia)

5. Multicomponent therapy (a combination of sleep hygiene, stimulus control and sleep restriction strategies)

6. Paradoxical intention (in this method the sufferer is told to stay passively awake and avoid any effort to fall asleep)

7. Biofeedback

You can read the AASM report here.


Have you ever try any of these approaches? Did they work for you?

Toxic People part 1 - The Sellotape Girl (or boy)

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photo by JMJast


'How is your new girlfriend?'
He cringed. The subsequent 'Aaaarhg riiiight' made me think he didn't really want to talk about it.
'You've even stopped coming to the club. No time for old mates and pool,' his friend carried on.
'Been busy,' he mumbled looking nervously in the window.
'Busy-busy,' the friend gave a sharp laugh. Nudge-nudge, wink-wink. 'Busy snuggling in the park, hey? I know. I saw you the other day. Holding hands and things. She was all over you, mate!'
'Yeah, she is a bit over the top.'
'She's quite dishy though.'

He sighed.

'I can't play pool in the club 'coz she's joined it. Get it?' His voice grew a little stronger. 'She's got no clue about pool and thinks it's boring but joined the club to spend more time with me. She's changed her uni timetable to go to the same classes. She likes whatever I like. She wants to be friends with all my friends. I've got nowhere to hide!'

'Oh, s..!'

He got off at the next stop. She was waiting for him. Slim, pretty, gaping at him with her mouth open. She tried to grab his hand but he hunched and he put his hands in his pockets.
She was all over him before the bus left the stop.

I don't know that guy, but he reminded me of a teddy bear wrapped with sellotape. And his lovely girlfriend seemed like a perfect example of a Sellotape Girl.


The Sellotape Girl (or Boy)

wants to be liked and loved so much they don't care about the price. They are nice, sickly nice, they always say 'yes'. They listen to you, they agree with you. They take up your hobbies, your political views, your friends, your breathing space. They want to be with you for the rest of their lives. They want to hold hands, do everything together - even go to the toilet. They wait for you. They give up their hopes and dreams (if they have any left as they have always given up their own things for other people) to live your hopes and dreams. They always laugh at your jokes, even the really bad ones.

They are organically unable to make decisions, take sides or argue. They are unable to exist without other people - they've never lived alone. They're terrified of being alone.
Their biggest fear and the drive of their all actions is the fear of being abandoned, so they do everything to avoid it, to keep you close. They need constant reassurance that you like/love/accept them. They want unconditionnal, neverending love. Their needs are so huge no one can possible meet them. They are like a bucket with a hole - however much you pour into it it never fills up.

Inevitably, they get abandoned. No-one mature and sane enough can stand this level of closeness and neediness for this long.

Sellotape People wrap around you so tight you can't to breathe. They have no spine and are transparent. They stick so close, peeling them off can be painful.
They are like sellotape.

What may attract you to them?Their affection, attention and dedication to you. For some people it maybe alos the illusion that you are The One Who Can bring them love and attention they need and deserve.

Don't confuse it with?
Many relationships start with the need for closeness, intimacy and sharing, holding hands and wearing the same clothes. This is normal in the first stage of love called The Enchantment.
The same is also true in close friendship (minus physical intimacy).

Why are they toxic?They wrap around you like ivy (or sellotape) and will take anything and everything you give them. They are extremely needy but also like buckets with a hole. Their needs are so immense, they can never be 'filled up'.
What they need is everlasting, unconditional love only mother can give them, with the closeness of 'two people being one' intensity possible only in prenatal and newborn stages. You can't give it to them, can you?

When should your alarm bells ring?When you realise you're feel stifled, constraint, can't be yourself, or can't fill that void they want you to to fill.
Or when you feel you want to dump them.


Do you recognise this type? What made you think this person was/is toxic for you?
What would you advise to people in a similar situation?